I had no idea if what I did was even remotely right, if I'd have to accurately piece together the guy's lungs and ribs before sewing him back up, or if the operation ends as soon as you attach the new heart. With my surgeon tripping balls and the man's life dangling by a thread I just opened the freezer box containing the guy's replacement heart, lobbed into his gaping chest wound and ran out the clock until he died in front of me. He was clearly dying in front of me so I tried to pick up a needle, thinking that I could stem the blood flow or ease his pain.īut in my haste and because the game's controls are god-awful, I stabbed myself with the syringe instead, which caused everything to go a bit 'Hendrix'. The thumbs up means everything is going to be OK, right?Īt this point the man started losing a shit-load of blood, and no matter how much I grabbed and poked I couldn't get through to his heart. I just ripped them out and thew them to the side. I was one step closer to getting that damn heart out, but the guy's pesky lungs were in the way. Well, as meticulously as one of those old claw arcade games you get down at your local bowling alley or Laser Quest, except now the penalty for failure is an inquiry and a life in prison. So I started picking them out meticulously. The guy's rib-cage has been broken down into tiny shards that had fallen inside his damn body. I thought if I just tried to understand its mechanics I'd be able to save this poor bastard's life. But this is a game, and games are made to be beaten. Had I not seen Jim Sterling's insane but brilliant guide to this operation before, I wouldn't have known this was possible.Īt this point if I were the surgeon I'd turn and run, adopt a fake name and live out the rest of my days beyond police jurisdiction. Annoyed, I decided to just grab a hammer and smash the shit out of the guy's bones instead. Eventually I managed to grasp an electric circular saw in something of a 'crab-claw' manoeuvre, and I tried to cut open the chap's rib-cage with it.īut as I tried to turn the blade around the right way, I dropped it off-screen where I couldn't reach it.
So off I went, groping and grabbing awkwardly at tools in an attempt to pick them up. There's absolutely no explanation of what it is you're supposed to do next. I did the same to the patient's cover and then shit got real. By making a fist you can cling on to your dangerous bone saws and rib hammer like an infant who has just discovered it has opposable thumbs. What you're supposed to do is press A, W, E, R and Space to control each of your surgeon's fingers. Who was this man? Why was his life entrusted to an unqualified imposter who had clearly walked into the hospital off the street? I slid the surgeon's hand around trying to interact with his tools, but ended up trashing the joint again. So with nothing left to do, I decided to get on with it and meet my first patient. There was no tutorial lesson in sight, just a constantly ringing phone that told me it was shit or get off the pot time. The ensuing mess looked like my surgeon had just suffered a traumatic episode, as if the pressure had become too much for him to bear. 'This can't be right', I thought, as I slowly steered the doctor's virtual hand around his office desk in search of a tutorial option, sending pills and floppy discs cascading everywhere.Īnd then, naturally, I flipped myself the bird. Then I discovered my first task was to perform a heart transplant.
I'd be Zach Braff from Scrubs, clumsily working my way through easy procedures to begin with before tackling the life-threatening stuff, getting less funny as I went. When I started playing this game I thought I'd begin as a fresh-faced medical graduate with little money and a raging hard-on for saving lives. Surgeon Simulator 2013 is a strange, almost morbid game that proves VG247's Dave Cook should never be trusted with a person's life under any circumstances.
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